I don’t know if I can put it into words. This morning, in church, I realized that my mom could die tomorrow while in surgery. She could have a severe allergic reaction. She almost died before because of an allergic reaction. The doctors could make a mistake. Dad died because his doctor made a mistake. Sometimes people just don’t wake up from anesthesia.
I found myself tearing up and thinking, “This is why I don’t get close to people. I spend all this time alone so that I won’t be so broken by someone’s death or leaving.”
Before I went to church, I came across John 1:5 where it says, “The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not overcome it.” I remember a lesson from a book I read in sixth grade… darkness never overcomes light. When you open a closet door, the darkness doesn’t come out, but the light goes into the closet. I also remember a lesson from a Sunday school lesson during college the teacher said, “We are not fighting for victory. Rather, we are fighting from victory.” Finally, I remember a quote from a story I read which states, “Without your wound, where would your power be?”
After I went to church, I watched Christmas movies. Somehow, I ended up watching “The Christmas Blessing.” In this movie, the following line struck me: “It is amazing how a pair of shoes could change a person’s life.” If you don’t know anything about this movie, it is a sequel to “The Christmas Shoes”. Basically, a bunch of people die and these shoes impact the living as well as those who die.
I also watched “A Christmas Snow”, which reminded me of a poem that my dad wrote for me on the day that I was baptized. My dad wanted me to remember the values that I learned in my Christian home. In the movie, the lady learns to love again even though her dad abandoned their family at a young age and recently died.
I already know that without dad’s death the circumstances would not have been set for me to experience what I did to become the person I am with the career I am in today. However, all of this information didn’t quite make a clear picture. But, then I remembered a quote which reads, “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
I’m not there yet, but my cautious heart is listening.