Putting the Puzzle Pieces Together

I don’t know if I can put it into words.  This morning, in church, I realized that my mom could die tomorrow while in surgery.  She could have a severe allergic reaction.  She almost died before because of an allergic reaction.  The doctors could make a mistake.  Dad died because his doctor made a mistake.  Sometimes people just don’t wake up from anesthesia. 

I found myself tearing up and thinking, “This is why I don’t get close to people.  I spend all this time alone so that I won’t be so broken by someone’s death or leaving.”

Before I went to church, I came across John 1:5 where it says, “The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not overcome it.”  I remember a lesson from a book I read in sixth grade… darkness never overcomes light.  When you open a closet door, the darkness doesn’t come out, but the light goes into the closet.  I also remember a lesson from a Sunday school lesson during college the teacher said, “We are not fighting for victory.  Rather, we are fighting from victory.”  Finally, I remember a quote from a story I read which states, “Without your wound, where would your power be?”

After I went to church, I watched Christmas movies.  Somehow, I ended up watching “The Christmas Blessing.”  In this movie, the following line struck me: “It is amazing how a pair of shoes could change a person’s life.”  If you don’t know anything about this movie, it is a sequel to “The Christmas Shoes”.  Basically, a bunch of people die and these shoes impact the living as well as those who die.

I also watched “A Christmas Snow”, which reminded me of a poem that my dad wrote for me on the day that I was baptized.  My dad wanted me to remember the values that I learned in my Christian home.  In the movie, the lady learns to love again even though her dad abandoned their family at a young age and recently died.

I already know that without dad’s death the circumstances would not have been set for me to experience what I did to become the person I am with the career I am in today.  However, all of this information didn’t quite make a clear picture.  But, then I remembered a quote which reads, “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I’m not there yet, but my cautious heart is listening.





Hello, my name is Emily and I am a recovering college graduate

Hello, my name is Emily and I am a recovering college graduate trying to prove that the piece of paper framed on my wall and the letters after my name mean something.

I keep finding myself making all of the mistakes my professors in college told me not to make and a few of my own.  The professor’s pounded self-care into our heads so that we couldn’t help but dream about it.  They talked about the high rate of burn out in my field.  I thought I got it.  But then I got into my job, I find myself wanting to prove that my degree means something.  So, I bend over backwards and work through lunch or sometimes just don’t eat at all and I come home crazy hungry, grumpy and really tense.

I remember my professors telling me, “If you don’t know the answer, then admit it and tell them you will find the answer.”  I know that I don’t know everything, but I find myself trying to come up with answers I don’t have.  I finally am forced to the point where I have to either make something up or admit I don’t know.   Frustrated, I try to answer to my best ability and slide in that I will check with my supervisor.  I just want to prove that my degree and license mean something.

I want to jump in and do my job.  I listened to the person teaching me about my job and took copious notes.  I read my entire curriculum and prepared it to be ready to teach.  I paid attention in my training classes.  I finally got to write my first home study.  I want to do it correctly to prove that I’m really not incompetent and really my degree and “LSW” mean something.  But then I made grammar mistakes and missed important information. 

After four years of studying and writing, I want to prove myself.  As the youngest employee at my agency, I want to prove myself.  As a professional that is younger then everyone I am assessing to become a foster parent, I want to prove myself.  As a person living in recovery from mental health issues, trauma, addictions and co-dependency, I want to prove myself.  I just want to show all of these people that my degree means something… that the letters behind my name mean something… that I’m really not incompetent.    

I want to prove to myself that I am and can be a social worker… but even more so, I want to prove that I am good enough.

I guess I’m realizing that I’m trying to find my worth in my work when my identity has already been settled.  I am good enough not because of anything I’ve done but because Christ chose to love me and he deemed me priceless just as I am… end of story.

So… sometimes I

Make mistakes

Ask if a boy is a girl

Forget to ask important questions

Answer questions I don’t know the answer to

But, it’s ok, I can live, learn and just be me, because God loves me and cherishes me just as is.  I am free to be a flawed social worker.